Ghost Of You
by Emerald Riddle
Summary: Remus Lupin thinks about his life, his dead friends, and going insane as he watches the snow fall. Songfic to the song Ghost of You by Good Charlotte. Implied RemusxSirius


Ghost Of You 

By Emerald Riddle 11/04

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, just this story.

_I will wait until the end,  
When the pendulum,  
Does swing back to the darker side,  
Of our hearts bleeding..._

I sat at the window, my fingers sliding over the rough wood of the sill. I was thinking, brooding, speculating, name it what you will. But I was there, Remus John Lupin, the smart one, the rational one, the sane one. The only thing that kept me sane from day one was you. Was you and James and Peter. If it wasn't for you I still would be stuck inside my mind with no escape.

Did it even matter?

You all left me in the end. You all thought I was the betrayer in the end. How could you think that of me? After all the years we have known each other... after all you did for me and I did for you, you still thought I would sink that low. Do I really seem that power hungry? Sirius? James? Lily? No need to ask Peter. He already knew.

He was the one who played us all for fools.

Funny, and most thought him to be stupid.

When really, he was the one clever enough to trick all his best friends, the amazing marauders, and Lily Evans, the smartest witch in our year...

_And I will save this empty space,  
Next to me like it's a grave,  
Where I lay a place for us,  
To sleep eternally together_

Of course, I can't be one to complain. I thought Sirius had gone to the Dark Side just like the rest of the wizarding world. Peter tricked me as well. The smart one. And Sirius was the one to pay for it. He lost all his friends and was sent to the dementors for twelve precious years of his life. We all doubted each other for only a short while, and we all paid the ultimate price. James and Lily died. Peter fled because his plan backfired. Sirius was sent to Azkaban. I was left alone. Completely and utterly alone. Just like poor baby Harry, with no relatives except ones who were abusive.

We all doubted each other for only a short while, and we all paid... even an innocent child.

Just when everything got pulled back together, when I had you, Sirius, back with me, I lost you again. No, no, I do not blame Harry for your death. I can never blame Harry for anything like that because he only wants to help. Truthfully, I know you and James would have done the same exact thing. So I could never blame Harry for all the things that Voldemort has done. Harry's the only one I have left. The last remaining piece of James I have to hold on to. He has a bit of Lily in him, most of his personality, which makes him even more astonishing.

He also has a bit of you Sirius.

He has your recklessness, your hate for your family, misfortune, loyalty to those you love... Even though he isn't related to you, he's identical to you in some ways. That's what makes me love him even more.

_I have been searching for,  
Traces of what we were,  
A ghost of you is all that I have left,  
It's all that I have left of you to hold_

I miss you, Sirius. I really do. When you fell through the veil I was ready to break apart, like a glass figurine who was tossed out into the cold. But I couldn't, I wasn't allowed to. Harry was about to jump in right after you. If I lost you both, I don't know what I would have done.

There's only Peter left of our history. I wish he would come back to the light. I really do. I know that, even if he wanted to, he couldn't do it. He is too much of a coward. We should have brought him closer in the group, shown him to be braver than he already was. Then maybe he would not have crossed us so severely.

I wish I had someone, you, to talk to right now. Someone who could help these dark thoughts drift away... You were always there for me, Sirius. Even when you thought I was a traitor you still stayed with me.

You still loved me.

_I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me,  
There's nothing left of what we were at all,  
So here I am,  
Pacing around this house again,  
With pictures of us living on these walls_

I could sit here all day, watching the snowflakes fall and wishing things that can never come to pass. In a way, it's comforting. Even if it isn't real. Maybe I will drive myself mad one day, sitting here. Thinking. Wishing. Dreaming. Believing. Maybe I'll go mad. Or maybe I already am mad. Maybe when I lost you, I lost part of my mind.

I find that I don't really care. So what if I am crazy? I have no one to stay sane for. Except Harry. But he has other people to be there for him. He has friends. I wish I had friends.

I wish I had you, Sirius.

Maybe I do have you. I can feel you sometimes. You are watching me, touching me, talking to me. I know you are. Or maybe that's just me losing my mind.

If that's the case, I hope I never find it again.

_I see my breath in the cold,  
Of the air that I breathe,  
And I'm wondering if it's you that I feel,  
You that I feel haunting me forever_

I do not want to move from this window. If I do I have to let go of the fantasy world that I have woven so expertly for myself. If I go outside, if I move from this cold corner of my small house, then you will die again. James and Lily will be dead and Harry will still be an orphan. Peter will still be the betrayer, and I, I will still be completely and utterly alone.

Or at least getting there.

If I move, the wizarding world will still be doomed to another war and Harry will be the leader of it. More of my allies will die and more friends will betray me.

I don't want to move.

I want to believe that you are here, holding me. I want to believe that I'm warm and happy and sane. I want to believe that this will be like the muggle fairy tales my mother used to read to me, where everyone lives happily ever after.

_I'm not looking for,  
Anything but us,  
Anything but what we were,_

Please be here, Sirius. Please be here. I'm not ready to let go of you just yet. If you go, then everything in me will die. If you go, my life will shatter all around me like pieces of the window I stare into.

I stare into it, and out of it. The snow falls slowly and paints the ground white, like there are no troubles in this world. I look at my reflection, but it's not me that stares back at all; it's you. It has always been you. Haunting me until I don't even know myself anymore.

I don't want to move. If I move you will die. I am never going to move.

Because I love you so much I would not only die for you, I will lose my mind for you.

_And I'm not asking for,  
Painted memories,  
I only want to know you're here_

The End


End file.
